21/02/2012 | I guess it’s time I let it all out right now

I never told anyone this but I think it’s best for me to let this all out right now. After watching the new episode of glee, it reminded me the night I was in David Karofsky’s shoes. I couldn’t help but cry, grip the blankets and pillows near me, and hyperventilate as I watched that episode. Because I started to remember the night when I was at the point of taking my own life…

It was Sunday June 15, 2009 when I went on my first date with the boy I truly thought I was in love with. When we parted our ways at the subway station I started to head back home. It was late and I was hoping my parents would be asleep at this time. But no, I came home with my mom yelling at me, scolding me, and questioning me of who I was with and why. I lied to her, I told her I was with a girl. But she took my phone away from me and saw the text messages I sent to the boy I went out with and that’s when she demanded for my password to my Facebook account. She read all the messages he sent and the sappy replies I wrote. My mother screamed out in agony, smashed the table with her hands, and constantly asked me the one question every gay boy or girl fears to hear and answer. I lied and said no I wasn’t. But she didn’t believe me, she wanted to, but with the evidence in front of her how can she? There she lied down on the couch weeping with hard fists ready to punch a wall. I was filled with anger, guilt, and confused of why was it so bad being who I am. I was scared and hopeless at the thought of being abandoned. I couldn’t stop myself from doing what I was going to do. I walked out of the house and went all the way up to the tall parking garage near a office building. Once I was on the top of the building I stopped and looked around, no one was here it was just me, the black star-lit sky, and the crescent moon. I took one step near the edge and another until both feet were on the edge. Tears ran down my face as I started to question God why I was made like this. I asked him why couldn’t I be normal just like the rest of the people in this world. Why couldn’t I jump? Because a thought struck me, the thought of not only hurting myself but also the people that care about me. The people that make me feel at home and the friends that make me laugh and feel accepted. Did I wanted to hurt them too? Of course not. I don’t know where this sudden thought came from or this self-realization came from, whether it was my own thinking or an answer from God, but it was that moment where I took two steps back and went home. 

And with my mom, I constantly reinforced the notion that I wasn’t gay for personal reasons. I knew there was a bit of her that didn’t believe it, but she still took my word for it and left it at that. I knew she didn’t want to deal with it so she let it go for another day. Until the right time comes I know I will tell her.